Light Through the Gray

Finding Light in the Shadows

Sometimes I can’t be happy.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of losing happiness after having real joy. I’m afraid of falling, even when I’m fine.

I’ve fallen before, but I’ve also picked myself back up, so why fear?

Some years ago, I was iffy about God, thinking maybe He’s real… maybe not. The way I lived was a disaster. I was delusional, not thinking about others or how I was hurting myself. I thought I could trick God: live my life, then repent once I had “lived it up.”

But you can’t trick God.

I’ve been a half-Christian, a Sunday-morning Christian. A never-read-the-Bible Christian.

When I started to really believe, I didn’t know what faith was. Jumping into the unknown?

Now that I’m a Christian, I see faith is something you build. God is the only God who says, “Wrestle with me.” The only one where the farther I look into the world, the more I want His ways.

Not just a leap of faith, but knowing that when you leap, God will catch you.

I need light. The Way, The Truth, and The Light.

How do I know? Because God has never forsaken me. He’s never left me.

I know the difference in my life now compared to back then. After so many things I thought were impossible, I see it everywhere: the light He’s given me. How small I am to Him, yet He looks down at me, wants me, loves me.

No one has ever loved me like that before.

The best way to describe it is a Father. He is the Father. And like a good Father, He corrects us, loves us, and asks obedience. He knows what’s best for us.

I’m anxious. Sometimes I just need someone to pick for me. What’s wrong, what’s right, what’s anything for?

God, would You tell me?

Through trials, I should be strengthened. I used to think: “If you prayed and confessed, never complain or be angry with Him. He knows your needs, why tell Him what He already knows?”

But as I read books like Job, I see God just wants to hear our voices. Pray, even if it’s, “What the heck, God?” And God loves it when you remind Him of His promises.

I prayed for the first time, “God, You promised to never leave me or forsake me.”

I wonder.

There’s nothing, no way to describe, the peace He gives you.

I love sundown, when the sky turns red and purple, colors I didn’t even know could be in the sky. I can, for a moment, just breathe. Listen. Enjoy.

In struggles, I have Someone. Someone to correct me, love me, and never leave me.

What if I’ve gone too far?

God was with the Israelites even though they grumbled. He died for the people who struck Him.

Why? Why do You love me?

Satan is real. He’s a strategist, but always a liar.

I used to tell myself, “I will do what I ought to do.” But now I tell myself, “I will, by the will of God, do what I should, not what I merely desire.”

What turns my blue skies gray is doubt.

LORD, remind me.

Jesus is Lord.

For the Lord who made us. He gave us the world, and we gave it to Satan.

He watched us closely, then came down. Died. Rose.

The second the veil could be ripped and He could be united with us, He came.

And one day, He’ll take His earth back, and all His children.

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